Help for Queer/Trans Exvangelicals
WHO CAN’T STOP PEOPLE-PLEASING
Welcome LGBT Religious Trauma survivors! You left Evangelicalism, but the old dogma and conditioning may still be affecting you. Let’s unpack the leftover religious trauma of perfectionism, people-pleasing, and low self-esteem, so you and your relationships can be happy and healthy!
Headshots by Toni Graniello.
(all other photos are my own)
For LGBT Religious Trauma survivors, the next step after you leave the Evangelical church…
Is to change how you approach relationships.
Whether you grew up in a nondenominational/fundamentalist church, IBLP (Institute for Basic Life Principles), Focus on the Family, YWAM, Teen Mania/Acquire the Fire/Honor Academy, Baptist, Pentecostal, or another branch, you were probably trained in strict obedience. You were trained in patriarchy, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, and a whole lot of fear. Remember being afraid of not being raptured, or of going to hell? Remember people saying horrible things about gay/queer/trans people but still thinking that they (the cruel, homophobic ones) were such good people? That stuff messed with our heads.
All those years of obeying without question, all those years of knowing you’d lose your whole community if you disagreed… those years don’t just melt away in a heartbeat. They wanted to break your will. The grief over losing the closeness you used to have with your family and your community doesn’t just vanish. And in new relationships, you’ll find yourself people-pleasing again without even knowing it. You’ve been practicing self-sacrifice all your life… so why would that just go away?
You’re still a deeply loving person. You love everyone, and that’s where your strength lies. It’s time to safely expand that love, so that it includes yourself. They wanted you to stay small and meek, but your real purpose is bigger than the one they assigned you. Living this bigger purpose will require you to think for yourself, love yourself, stay strong and live a full, rich life. Let me help you choose yourself this time, without feeling guilty. You can learn to be just the right amount of selfish.
If, like me, you are queer/trans and have survived religious trauma:
You are probably incredibly strong and resilient. I know, I know… you’re sick of being told that you’re resilient. But I guarantee that your difficult past has left you with some strengths that other people don’t have.
You almost certainly have a very specialized form of C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Your brain probably got programmed with a terrifying, all-encompassing world view. You may have been taught to fear heaven, hell, martyrdom, religious torture, rejection by your family if you strayed, excommunication, outer darkness, and even Armageddon. These were not described as benign stories. They were presented as very real future outcomes.
You’re probably very susceptible to gaslighting. Merriam-Webster defines gaslighting as “psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one's emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator”. And that’s pretty much how high-control religions work: they’ll say anything to keep control of you. Nothing has to be logical, and the whole point is to keep you “within the fold” for eternity.
You were taught NOT to trust yourself. This is closely-related to gaslighting. It’s not just that you weren’t taught to trust yourself. It was worse than that. You were taught not to. You were taught to trust your parents, trust the church, trust the clergy, trust the cis-men, trust the powerful abusers. Never trust yourself. This fucks up people’s minds. Being taught to constantly go against our own instincts? Ignoring our own best discernment? SUPER problematic.
You may be anxious, perfectionistic, and self-critical. These thought processes can be addressed and taken apart, but some therapists and coaches won’t know what to look for if they don’t fully understand the religious component. You were taught this fear from the cradle, and it was baked into every part of your life.
Your homophobic religion was inherently traumatizing. Growing up, you knew that your own family and community would probably reject you if they didn’t approve of every aspect of your life.
Maybe worst of all, you were taught that all of this traumatic stuff was being taught out of “love”, and was “God’s will”.
Being controlled and sometimes even abused by people who claimed to be acting on behalf God himself has probably left you with some pretty scrambled thought processes.
The worst part is that you may have internalized all that idealism. On some level, you may have started to believe that this is how life should be. That you shouldn’t trust your own body, your own nervous system. That even basic self-care was “selfish”. That you should self-sacrifice at all times. That (depending on your flavor of religion) “your reward would be in Heaven”, and either being happy in this life was unimportant, or you should be happy at all times because if you were unhappy or anxious, then you were just weren’t trusting God enough.
“I jumped out of the frying pan of fundamentalist Christianity, into the fire of Mormonism, left them both, and found myself pursuing social justice work as if it was a new religion. I had been unhappy for so long, and I had a string of unhappy relationships behind me.
I had come out as queer, and then as genderqueer, and then as a relationship anarchist, but it still felt like my old religious programming was hounding me. Thank you for helping me un-pack it all. It’s been hard work, but so worth it. I take care of myself now. I rest. I only keep relationships that are healthy and mutual. It’s amazing how much better life is when I know what I want and am actually willing to work toward my own joy, lol. Who’d have thought?” — Max: Boulder, Colorado, USA
You thought you left religion behind you.
If you’re like me, maybe you thought you got over all that religious stuff a long time ago. But, as time goes by, you start asking yourself:
Why do people keep walking all over me?
Why do I care so much more than everybody else does?
Why do I keep getting deeply involved with people, and then finding myself terribly unhappy in my relationships?
Why is it so hard to be in touch with my body? I forget to eat, then I eat too much. Then I forget to pee.
When it comes to sex, I don’t know what I want. Sometimes I have sex when I don’t want to, or I don’t know if I want to. Why don’t I know???
Why is it so hard to find community?
Why do I still get so triggered by things that I thought I got over years or even decades ago?
“Mary is the absolute best and I can’t say enough about how much she has helped me. She deeply cares about people and she offers support, wisdom, and useful insight. She gives people concrete tools to work with too. Even during the depths of this pandemic, she manages to impart a sense of peace, calm, and hope. Mary clearly has a heartfelt passion for helping others. A bit about me: I am a tough nut to crack. And I have a graduate degree in clinical social work. It takes a lot for me to recommend anyone as a coach or therapist, but I recommend Mary without reservation.”
— Laura: Portland, Oregon USA
“You have helped me so much in my relationship to myself and to other people. You gave me the confidence to dig deep, and to know what is authentic for me. I’m a better parent, a better partner to all my partners… as a former Catholic, I now hold my boundaries better and I know more about who I am. I did this work myself, and I’m so proud, but you helped me do it so much better.”
—Irma: Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
None of this is your fault.
You are NOT alone.
You are not weak. People walk all over you because you let them, because you were punished as a child for saying no. I know you’ve already worked on this (therapy, books, etc.) and you’ve probably made great strides, but it pops back up again. Let me help you with this!!! This is fixable!
You care more than other people do, in part because you just are your own wonderful, compassionate, social justice-loving self, and in part because you were taught to focus on what’s important. This is a strength. Let me help you learn to find balance in it.
You find yourself staying too long in relationships (or staying away from them entirely) because you were taught to keep the peace and to not want anything for yourself. So you go along, keeping the peace, not knowing what you want, just holding everybody together. You tend to do this for a long, long time before you even realize how unhappy you are.
You are out of touch with your body because you were taught to ignore “the ways of the flesh”, or even that the body was sinful. Sitting on a hard wooden bench while being told you’re a worthless sinner does NOT lead to a healthy relationship with your body!
And finally, if you struggle to know what you want sexually, let’s work on that! When you get more in touch with your boundaries, your body, and your Self, your sexuality truly becomes your own! Then, whether you’re homosexual, asexual, graysexual, demisexual, pansexual, bisexual, allosexual, or anything else, either you’ll know what you want and sex will be a joy for you, or you will be saying no with confidence. Either way, you’ll be in charge.
It can be hard to find community because very few things compare to the insularity of a church or religious community. Let me help you do a little more grieving, and then move on to find your people, people who can love you without controlling you.
“Everything she says is well thought out, insightful, thought provoking, and without judgement or pressure to be anything other than myself. She is a wealth of knowledge and ideas, and a patient sounding board. I loved that her skills went above “listening” and extended into encouraging me with workable action steps between sessions. I wouldn’t be the successful, happy, and “unstuck” person I am today without her help!”
— Megan: Clearwater, Florida, USA
Interesting things about my clients:
About 60% of my clients have pronouns other than he/him or she/her. Lots of they/them folks, and a few whose pronouns are less common than they/them. I’m not saying that you should use non-traditional pronouns, I’m just saying that I’m very used to asking and respecting your pronouns.
About half of my clients are transgender, non-binary, agender, or otherwise gender non-conforming.
Lots of my clients are non-monogamous, but not all, and you certainly don’t have to be in order to work with me.
Probably 70% of my clients are queer, but you’re still very welcome if you’re straight/cisgender.
About half of my clients are also actively working with a therapist. My coaching is extremely helpful either on its own, or as a powerful addition to what you’re working on in therapy. We can talk about this in lots more detail if you have questions.
A lot of my clients are therapists.
About half of my clients are in the USA, and the other half are scattered all over the world. My scheduling system calculates the time difference for us. I can schedule an appointment for you at 10am my time, and it will correctly send you reminders that this appointment will be at 7pm your time in Rwanda, for example.
Pricing:
My standard price is $75 USD per 75-minute session (sliding scale of $45 to $65 available):
You can click here find out more about why my rates are so reasonable.
My scheduling system accepts credit/debit cards and PayPal. You’re welcome to see me weekly, or every other week, or once a month, or just whenever you want to. The scheduling is up to you.
I love these longer 75-minute sessions. We can end early if you ever need to, but I find that having an hour and 15 minutes allows us to do the deepest work, and still have time to wrap things up without feeling rushed.
I’ll suggest specific resources (books, videos, podcasts, etc.) to help you keep unlearning the deepest snarls that are still lurking in your brain. You’ll be building new brain patterns that work for you instead of against you.
In between sessions, you can email or voicemail me up to twice a week, and I will respond in less than 24 business hours. I am happy to hear from you, and happy to give you extra support in this way!!!
My clients say:
“I struggled both with my sexuality and with people pleasing. You helped me to clarify my values. You helped me to know what is healthy for me and for the people around me. You helped me to tap into what is truest and best in me. I am so glad that I decided to work with you Mary.”
—Honorine: Kigali, Rwanda
“Why didn’t I find you sooner??? I feel more like myself now. I feel like I can be weird with you, cry, be messy, and you’re not judging me. You helped me figure out things that I didn’t think could be figured out, and I’m stronger for it.”
—Anon: Tokyo, Japan
“I have found Mary to be an empathic, non-judgemental, excellent listener. Her easy-going demeanor and no-pressure approach makes for easy exchanges and trust. If you are looking for an authentic, one-on-one coaching or support group experience, I highly recommend Mary.”
—Donna S: Portland, Oregon, USA