About Mary

I’m Mary Clark, and I offer Religious Trauma coaching from a gentle, never dogmatic, Relationship Anarchist perspective. Most of my clients are queer and/or non-monogamous, but everyone is welcome!!! I do all of my sessions through Zoom or by phone. I’m in Portland Oregon, USA (Multnomah, Kathlamet, Clackamas, Chinook, Tualatin Kalapuya, Molalla land) but I have clients all over the world, including the United States, Canada, Brazil, Rwanda, Japan, Nigeria, The Philippines, United Arab Emirates, Thailand, Mexico, all over Europe, in Africa, Australia, and New Zealand. (Scroll all the way down to book a session.)

I have extensive training in trauma therapy techniques, but I am a highly-trained coach, not a licensed therapist, therefore I can help you no matter where in the world you live (most licensed therapists can only treat clients within their licensed state or province). Scroll down for more on my education.

Sorry the audio isn’t great. I am definitely a “substance over style” kind of person. I’ll re-record at some point, but for now, here’s some info about what it’s like to work with me.

People-pleasers, formerly-religious folks, and survivors of “purity culture”, please reach out!!! Especially if you’re queer! (Straight people are super-welcome too, obvs). I was raised fundamentalist Christian, and I believe that this was the source of some of my deepest wounds and also some of my greatest strengths. I understand what it’s like to grow up over-controlled, and surrounded by dogma and ideology that said that you should always, only be obedient and subservient. It messes with our minds. I can help you unravel that old programming, and recover from it.

If your situation is unusual, I may be an excellent fit for you. If you have one partner in Nigeria and one in New Zealand, I can work with all 3 of you simultaneously. It’s rare to find counselors and therapists who understand Relationship Anarchy, with its lack of hierarchy, lack of relationship escalators, and its abundance of individual styles. On the other hand, I don’t care if you’re “Relationship Anarchist enough” or even at all. There’s no judgment here. My focus is on helping you follow your own inner compass toward maximum happiness and health.

For over 35 years, I’ve been studying psychology, sociology, self-help, and spirituality, in an attempt to alleviate my own anxiety and depression, and help others with them as well. During that time, I have created and led workshops on dating, communication in relationships, and how to have healthier and more balanced self-esteem. I lead mental health support groups for the general public, but also groups aimed at queer folks, fat folks, older lesbians and queer women. Even though I never became a licensed therapist, I often take Continuing Education courses aimed at professionals, because I learn so much from them that helps me in my coaching. I chaired the board of directors of a nationwide nonprofit women’s health organization when I was in my late 20s. It might sound sappy, but I just really like building community and helping people.

I’m queer, but you don’t have to be. I’m extremely accepting of all people, including but not limited to straight, gay, transgender, nonbinary, intersex, asexual, graysexual, aromantic, gray-romantic, bisexual, pansexual, and all kinds of neurodiversities. Basically, just tell me about yourself, because I’m not going to make assumptions.

I can help you to:

  • Navigate your relationships with yourself and others.

  • Deal with jealousy when it’s not just jealousy? (Hint: these are often signs of past trauma and attachment injuries, in which case, we need special care!)

  • Navigate manage mismatched attachment styles, when one of you wants more closeness, and another wants more space.

  • Create happy, healthy relationships with the children in your life.

  • Figure out whether it’s a difficult-but-healable relationship, or one that you should walk away from.

  • Navigate relationships that are obviously (to me) completely normal, but are not understood by most of society. Living platonically with a former spouse? Having both romantic/sexual and nonromantic/nonsexual partnerships? These are very valid ways of living.

  • Work through loneliness, breakups, and knowing “when to stay, and when to go”.

  • Work with your family of origin, or heal from those relationships.

  • ALWAYS stay true to yourself!!!

Recent Certificates I’ve earned:

  • Integrative Somatic Trauma Therapy certificate, a 60-hour program from the Embody Lab, from Arielle Schwartz, PhD, Nkem Ndefo, MSN, CNM, RN, and Scott Lyons, PhD.

  • “Healing Intergenerational Trauma” an 8-hour certificate from instructors Peter Levine, PhD and Euphrasia “Efu” Nyaki

  • “Solution-Focused Brief Therapy”, a 4.5-hour certificate from Elliott Connie, MA, LPC

Recent Classes I’ve completed:

I take as many continuing education classes as I can, and I try to learn about an extremely broad range of Mental Health topics, from teachers from the broadest range of backgrounds as possible. I like to learn from teachers of different races, ethnicities, from different countries, different genders and sexual orientations. Here are just some of the classes I’ve taken in the past few years, so that I can better serve my clients:

  • How to Talk about Race in a Session with Thema Bryant, PhD Shelly Harrell, PhD, and about a dozen others. This is one of the best things I’ve seen in a long time, and it was so good that it needed its own blog post. You can find that here.

  • The Ethics of Trauma Coaching with Athena Phillips, LCSW, PsyD Candidate. Covered the reasons why coaching is helpful and needed (there is a huge need for more mental health care in the world, and coaches can be a cost-effective way of sharing the load and providing more access to care. Talked about the research behind the efficacy of coaching. Talked about informed consent, conflicts of interest, cultural competence and humility, confidentiality, expectations, and did a great job of covering the differences between therapy and coaching.

  • Treating Racial Trauma: Strategies for Working with the Wounds of Racism with Thema Bryant, PhD Howard Stevenson, PhD  Beverly Greene, PhD  Daryl Rowe, PhD  Usha Tummala-Narra, PhD  Kevin Nadal, PhD  Anneliese Singh, PhD, LPC  Raymond Rodriguez, LCSW-R  Shena Young, PsyD  Adriana Alejandre, LMFT  Jeffrey Ring, PhD and others. I think that most people know that racism in America traumatizes non-white Americans, but as a white person, I’m always trying to get a better understanding of the lived experience of BIPOC folks. This course talked about how racism in our country brings about exhaustion, fear, anxiety, and hypervigilance for many folks who are racially marginalized. It helped me get more comfortable asking questions about race, and about racialized trauma. I learned more about the micro-aggressions, micro-insults, micro-invalidations, and micro-assaults that BIPOC folks so often endure, and how these harmful things can be so exhausting to the folks being targeted by them. I know that I have to earn my clients’ trust, and I hope that this kind of education helps me to be more trustworthy.

  • Integrative Medicine and Nutrition for PTSD and Complex Trauma with Leslie Korn, PhD, MPH, LMHC, ACS, RPP, NTP, NCBTMB. This 33-hour course looked at trauma’s effect on the body, and how we can help the whole person to heal. I learned nutritional strategies, recipes, exercise and movement strategies, the use of supplements, the link between trauma, gut health and autoimmune disorders, and so much more.

  • Unresolved Trauma and Addiction Disorders: Why Do They Go Hand in Hand? with Janina Fisher, PhD, looking at how addictions (such as binging, purging, food-restricting, substance use, sex addiction, and self-harm) so often start out not as pleasure-seeking activities but as survival strategies. We want to self-soothe, self-regulate, and help our traumatized selves to function or feel safer in the world. In cases of self-harm, we can get addicted to our own body’s chemicals (adrenaline, endorphins, etc.) after using them as a coping strategy for dealing with our unresolved traumas. We need to understand that recovering from either one (the addiction or the trauma) requires recovering from both.

  • Psychodrama and Experiential Interventions for Treating Childhood Wounds in Adult Clients, a 6-hour class from Tian Dayton, PhD. This class was full of amazing exercises that can be used with individuals and groups, to help us use the power of COMMUNITY to heal our attachment wounds together.

  • Gaslighting: Help Clients Escape and Rebuild from a Narcissist's Emotional Abuse, a AMAZING 6-hour class from Stephanie Moulton Sarkis, PhD, NCC, DCMHS, LMHC, a psychotherapist specializing in anxiety, gaslighting, narcissistic abuse, and ADHD.

  • “Treating Complex Trauma with Internal Family Systems”, a 12.5 hour program from Frank Anderson, MD

  • “Embodying Ancestral Wisdom” with Ruby Gibson, PhD, author, cultural healer and advocate, and the developer of Somatic Archaeology©, a transgenerational approach to wellness and reclaiming memory. She’s one of the most amazing instructors I’ve ever had the privilege of learning from.

  • “Janina Fisher's Trauma Treatment Certification Training (CCTP): The Latest Advances and Proven Techniques to Resolve Deeply Held Trauma”, from Janina Fisher, PhD

  • “Somatic Psychology and Trauma Recovery for the Individual Body”, “Treating Shock Trauma and Repeated Complex Trauma: Integrating Somatic Psychology and EMDR Therapy”, and “Post-Traumatic Growth: Mind-Body Tools to Foster Resilience & Awaken to your Potential”, with Arielle Schwartz, PhD

  • “From the Individual to the Systemic: Sites of Trauma and Healing” and “Balancing Individual and Collective Transformation” with Staci K. Haines, co-founder of Generative Somatics, a multiracial social justice capacity building organization and the author of "The Politics of Trauma: Somatics, Healing, and Social Justice" (North Atlantic Books 2019) and "Healing Sex: A Mind Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma" (Cleis 1999, 2007), which has been translated into German, Japanese and Spanish.

  • “Towards an Alchemical Resilience: Foundations and Inspirations” with Nkem Ndefo, MSN, Director of Certification at The Resilience Toolkit Training Alliance

  • “Polyvagal Theory and Pathways to Connection” with Deb Dana, LCSW, a clinician, consultant, author and speaker specializing in complex trauma. Her work is focused on using the lens of Polyvagal Theory to understand and resolve the impact of trauma in our lives.

  • “Foundations of Trauma and Healing in Children” with Lisa Dion, LPC

  • “Introduction to Embodiment”, “Hakomi Core Principles”, “Trauma & Embodied Movement”, and “Embodied Practitioner Skills” with Manuela Mischke-Reeds, LMFT, Founding Co-Director & Senior Faculty of Hakomi Institute of California, and author of The Somatic Psychotherapy Toolbox.

  • “Nurturing the Ecologies of Trauma and Resilience” with Karine Bell

  • “Sensorimotor Psychotherapy for Trauma” and “The Legacy of Early Attachment Relationships: A Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Perspective” with Pat Ogden, PhD, a pioneer in somatic psychology, the creator of the Sensorimotor Psychotherapy method, and founder of the Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Institute.

  • “Mending the Bodily Roots of Developmental Trauma” with Ruella Frank, PhD, founder and director of the Center for Somatic Studies, and faculty at the New York Institute for Gestalt therapy.

  • “Closing your Eyes to See: Focusing, Active Imagination, and Inner Dialogue” with Albert Wong, PhD, clinical psychologist and Director of Somatic Psychology at JFK University.

  • “Trauma and the Internal Body Mind Family” with Richard Schwartz, PhD, creator of the Internal Family Systems (IFS) branch of therapy.

  • “Addiction, Trauma & Healing” with Nikki Myers, SEP, founder and director of Yoga of 12-Step Recovery.

  • “Structural Embodiment: Somatics for the Collective Body” with Farzana Khan, Executive Director and Co-founder of Healing Justice London (HJL), which works on building community health, repair and self-transformation rooted in disability justice, survivor work and trauma-informed practice working with communities of colour and other marginalised and underrepresented groups.

  • “Helping Clients Undo Patterns of Pleasing and Appeasing” with Christine Padesky, PhD, Stephen Porges, PhD, Thema Bryant, PhD, Shelly Harrell, PhD, Pat Ogden, PhD, Deb Dana, LCSW, Ron Siegel, PsyD, and others.

  • “Healing the Wounds of Trauma” with Dr. Gabor Maté and Bruce Perry, MD, PhD.

  • “Working with the Pain of Abandonment” with Peter Levine, PhD, Ron Siegel, PsyD, Judson Brewer, MD, PhD, Melanie Greenberg, PhD, Bessel van der Kolk, MD, Kelly McGonigal, PhD, Resmaa Menakem, MSW, LICSW, SEP, and others.

  • “Working with Core Beliefs of ‘Never Good Enough’” with Marsha Linehan, PhD, Kelly McGonigal, PhD, Ron Siegel, PsyD, and others.

  • “The Body Keeps the Score”, 2-day conference with Bessell van der Kolk, MD.

Interesting things about my clients:

  • At least 40% of my clients have pronouns other than he/him or she/her. Lots of they/them folks, and a few that are very uncommon.

  • About half of my clients are transgender, non-binary, agender, or otherwise gender non-conforming.

  • Lots of my clients are non-monogamous, but not all, and you certainly don’t have to be in order to work with me.

  • Probably 70% of my clients are queer, but you’re still very welcome if you’re straight/cisgender.

  • About half of my clients are also actively working with a therapist. My coaching is extremely helpful either on its own, or as a powerful addition to what you’re working on in therapy. We can talk about this in lots more detail if you have questions.

  • About half of my clients are in the USA, and the other half are scattered all over the world. I’ve gotten really good at figuring out time zones, and my scheduling system also calculates the time difference for us. I can schedule an appointment for you at 10am my time, and it will correctly send you reminders that this appointment will be at 7pm your time in Rwanda, for example.

I’m a proud (new) member…

of the Institute for Equity-Centered Coaching (IECC). The IECC devotes itself to:

  • Exchange: A place to share ideas, challenges, experiences, and resources in support of our equity-centered journeys.

  • Values-based: We practice being clear about and centering our values in our decisions and actions to keep us in alignment with who we say we are and hold us accountable.

  • Equity-centered: In an equity-centered practice, considerations are based on treating everyone fairly. Not the same. By giving everyone what they need, folks will feel a sense of belonging and be more likely to accomplish their goals.

  • Cultural responsiveness: Culturally responsive Coaches and Leaders actively work to challenge biases, stereotypes, and cultural norms that may impact their clients or staff. We aim to create psychologically and emotionally safe spaces where individuals from various backgrounds can thrive and reach their full potential.

  • Reflexivity: The ability to critically examine one’s identity and experience to understand their choices, biases, influence, limitations, and power is a valuable skill to develop for personal and professional growth, and for the safety of our clients.

My clients say:

“I struggled both with my sexuality and with people pleasing. You helped me to clarify my values. You helped me to know what is healthy for me and for the people around me. You helped me to tap into what is truest and best in me. I am so glad that I decided to work with you Mary.”

—Honorine: Kigali, Rwanda

“Why didn’t I find you sooner??? I feel more like myself now. I feel like I can be weird with you, cry, be messy, and you’re not judging me. You helped me figure out things that I didn’t think could be figured out, and I’m stronger for it.”

—Anon: Tokyo, Japan

“I have found Mary to be an empathic, non-judgemental, excellent listener. Her easy-going demeanor and no-pressure approach makes for easy exchanges and trust. If you are looking for an authentic, one-on-one coaching or support group experience, I highly recommend Mary.”

—Donna S: Portland, Oregon, USA

“Mary is the absolute best and I can’t say enough about how much she has helped me. She deeply cares about people and she offers support, wisdom, and useful insight. She gives people concrete tools to work with too. Even during the depths of this pandemic, she manages to impart a sense of peace, calm, and hope. Mary clearly has a heartfelt passion for helping others. A bit about me: I am a tough nut to crack. And I have a graduate degree in clinical social work. It takes a lot for me to recommend anyone as a coach or therapist, but I recommend Mary without reservation.”

— Laura: Portland, Oregon USA

“You have helped me so much in my relationship to myself and to other people. You gave me the confidence to dig deep, and to know what is authentic for me. I’m a better parent, a better partner to all my partners… as a former Catholic, I now hold my boundaries better and I know more about who I am. I did this work myself, and I’m so proud, but you helped me do it so much better.”

—Irma: Rio de Janeiro, Brazil