De-escalating or transitioning a relationship (divorce or breakup)
(including co-parenting, if you have children)
Headshots by Toni Graniello.
(all other photos are my own)
Breakup? Let me help you de-escalate/transform your existing relationships into something new and good.
The queer and non-monogamous communities have a long history of doing unconventional divorces or “breakups that aren’t really breakups”. Having professional help, especially if there are children in the picture, can make all the difference!
Twenty years ago, my then-husband and I got divorced, but stayed good friends, and stayed family together. We sat our 5-year-old son down to explain what was going on. I was terrified that I might be ruining his life, but I also knew that I wanted to teach him (by example) to live authentically. Staying married was no longer authentic for us. [I apologize in advance for the binary language… it was twenty years ago, and everyone I knew was either “him” or “her”.] Anyway, I pulled myself together and said,
“Hey buddy, you know how we’ve always told you that sometimes a boy wants to marry a girl, and sometimes a girl wants to marry a girl, and sometimes a boy wants to marry a boy? Well, I’ve figured out that I’m a girl that wants to be married to a girl instead of a boy. So daddy and I are going to move into different houses, and you will have your own room at each house, and we will always be a family, we’re just going to be a family that lives in two houses.”
“Oh, okay!” he said, and that was pretty much that.
As I type this, I think, “People aren’t going to believe me. It sounds too simple.” But he really was okay, and he has stayed happy in our weird family, throughout his childhood and into adulthood.
I do think that it was easier for us because he was only five years old, and an only child. But the main thing that made it easier was that we put his welfare first, we didn’t fight, and we did a lot of research on how to make this transition easier for him and for us.
And we remain a family, even now. We have continued to do birthdays together, holidays together, mother’s day, father’s day, and even the occasional vacation. Anybody who wants to date either one of us has to know that we are a “package deal” to some extent. That we will both be at a lot of gatherings, especially anything involving our son, and that each of us has keys to each other’s houses and cars. We’ll probably end up in the same “old folks home” together, along with assorted relatives and partners.
It’s not that we never do anything separately. My former husband and I (I have always refused to call him an “ex”) have lived separately, vacationed separately, and spent most of our time separately. But for all the big stuff, we’ve been there for each other. He’s one of the best things that’s ever happened to me.
If you are transitioning an existing relationship into something new (whether there are children involved or not), I’d love to help you figure out how to turn it into a good thing. I’m not saying it won’t ever hurt (it was excruciating for us, but very rewarding). Let’s build something new instead of just blowing the whole thing up and walking away.
If you think you might like to work with me on this, keep reading for more info, or click the button to see if we’re a fit. We meet on Zoom, so you can be anywhere in the world.
“We had been mostly getting along pretty well but we still needed guidance, especially around whether to live together or separately, and how to do co-parenting in this new way. We were pretty heartbroken, and also just kind of needed some moral support. Mary was there every step of the way, and sometimes we’d email her questions during the week. I know we would have survived without her, but every time we started a session, we were tense and sad, and every time we ended a session, we were hopeful, energized, and knew what our next steps were.”
— Jade and Sage: Olympia, Washington USA
“As you know, we’d not been getting on at all, and the children were playing up because of it. You’ve helped us communicate better so we’re all getting on better, and you helped us figure out where to live. You also helped us see things from the children’s perspective, which made the changes easier for them, which in turn made everything easier for us.”
— Names withheld, London, England
Interesting things about my clients:
About 40% of my clients have pronouns other than he/him or she/her. Lots of they/them folks, and a few that are very uncommon. I’m not saying that you should use non-traditional pronouns, I’m just saying that I’m very used to asking and respecting your pronouns.
About half of my clients are transgender, non-binary, agender, or otherwise gender non-conforming.
Lots of my clients are non-monogamous, but not all, and you certainly don’t have to be in order to work with me.
Probably 70% of my clients are queer, but you’re still very welcome if you’re straight/cisgender.
About half of my clients are also actively working with a therapist. My coaching is extremely helpful either on its own, or as a powerful addition to what you’re working on in therapy. We can talk about this in lots more detail if you have questions.
About half of my clients are in the USA, and the other half are scattered all over the world. I’ve gotten really good at figuring out time zones, and my scheduling system also calculates the time difference for us. I can schedule an appointment for you at 10am my time, and it will correctly send you reminders that this appointment will be at 7pm your time in Rwanda, for example.
9 weekly Zoom calls, 75 minutes each (we can end early if you ever need to, but I find that having an hour and 15 minutes allows us to do the deepest work). We’ll figure out what’s going well, and what’s more confusing or troubling. We’ll roll up our sleeves and start planning your relationship transition (with or without children) together.
I’ll suggest specific resources (books, videos, podcasts, etc.) to help you learn and get creative about what your future can look like. I promise you! It all gets easier!
You can email or voicemail me up to twice a week, and I will respond in under 24 business hours. I am happy to hear from you, and happy to give you extra support in this way!!!
You are welcome to record our Zoom sessions, if you wish! This option is built into Zoom, or you can use a separate device.
Investment: only $690 USD for this 9-week package.
Pay using a credit card, or PayPal (which offers a 6-month 0% interest option), or ask me and I’ll split your credit card payment into 2 monthly payments of $345 each. Schedule a free consultation to see if we’re a fit for this package.
I do individual sessions at $125 USD, but I strongly prefer a 9-week series. Here’s how that works:
Just one appointment for now?
My standard 75-minute appointment is $125 USD. Contact me if you need a sliding-scale spot, and you can read more about my pricing and my values here.
My clients say:
“I had been through breakups before, but my teenager was really struggling with this one. Frankly, I was pretty wrecked. It wasn’t easy, but you made it much easier, and I think [child’s name] feels safe in the world now.”
—Ben: Miami, Florida, USA
“Mary helped us through a really complicated breakup involving 3 adults and 2 kids. Changing houses, changing schools, figuring out what to tell the kids… it was overwhelming. I’m not sure we’d have survived it without her.”
—Anon: St. Paul, Minnesota, USA
“We wanted to still be friends but we were arguing so much that I wasn’t sure how we were going to do it. You showed us where we were going off the rails. She’s still one of my favorite people. I’m glad we didn’t lose each other entirely.”
—Gabi and Steph, Berlin, Germany