One-on-One Coaching on Zoom“How to Un-Fuck your Relationship Skills after Deconstruction”
For Queer/Trans Ex-Evangelicals
and other Religious Trauma survivors
Deconstruct Low Self-Esteem, Perfectionism, and People-Pleasing
Let's talk on Zoom! I'm goofy and fun!You’re gonna feel so much better after just 8 weeks!
You've deconstructed from EvangelicalismNow Let’s Un-fuck Your Relationship Skills
Dear Queer/Trans Ex-Evangelicals;
[This started out as a letter to myself, a Queer Exvangelical]
I'm so glad you left the church. It was toxic, authoritarian, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, misogynist, dogmatic, and it fucked with your mind. It was never going to stop harming you. Maybe you've also come out to your family, maybe you haven't yet, but either way, I'm glad you're not a fundamentalist Christian anymore. Living honest and free is worth everything.
Fern and forest near Portland, Oregon
I'm so glad you left the church!Queer/Trans deconstruction from Evangelicalism:
You're pretty comfortable now with your LGBT+ self. You've also stopped being afraid of hell, the Rapture, and Armageddon. You're no longer trying to witness to your non-Christian friends, and you're no longer afraid that they'll go to hell if you don't speak up and say exactly the right thing. You don't worry anymore about what would happen if you were "tortured for Christ". (It's terrifying all the shit we used to worry about).
A single purple iris near my home in Portland, Oregon
External versus internal dogmaMore deconstruction ahead:
You've deconstructed from that "external dogma" (hell, the Bible, Armageddon, missionary work), but what you don't know yet is that all the "internal dogma" is still alive and well in your mind, working overtime and causing you pain. It's showing up as low self-esteem, perfectionism, and people-pleasing. It's controlling you, even when you think you're free, and it's going to keep wrecking your life and your relationships if you don't deconstruct it.
The beautiful Oregon Coast
We still have work to doRelationship Problems after Deconstruction:
You've loosened up a lot, but you're still too much of a caretaker, and you're afraid to stop, because if you stop then everyone and everything will fall apart. You love too easily and too much, but you don't want to change, because isn't love always good? And aren't you extremely good at loving people? (Yes, you ARE). And isn't it important to use our gifts? (Yes, it IS).
But don't you get tired of other people not stepping up the way you do? Don't you get tired of giving everything but getting breadcrumbs of love back?
Hiking path near Seattle, Washington
More about relationshipsLGBT Relationship Problems
You've had a string of relationships ranging from "good but why didn't it last?" to some full-on traumatic dumpster fire relationships that you've never completely recovered from. Honey, I'm sorry, but you walked right into those bad relationships. They were never your fault, but if you don't get some help, then you're going to keep doing it, because you still think that loving and giving and caretaking and keeping the peace is always the right thing to do when you love someone. You don't see when you're giving too much, because you've been self-sacrificing all your life. When people don't treat you well, you think they just don't understand that they're hurting you, and rather than leave or insist on changes, you just keep trying harder and waiting longer for them to change. I'm so sorry, but most of them are never going to change. What if this never gets better?
Sunset near my home in Portland, Oregon
You are such an amazing person, and you deserve to be loved wholeheartedly, exactly as you are.
In a way, how people love you is your responsibility: Every minute you spend caretaking people who don’t treat you well, is a minute where you can’t find and enjoy the wholehearted, mutual, kind, compassionate love and empathy that you deserve. I say this because I’ve been there.
It's still affecting youThe Evangelical Church taught you:
The Evangelical church taught you low self-esteem, perfectionism, and people-pleasing. This is the "internal dogma" that is still inside you. It's fucking up your life and your relationships. It's going to keep fucking things up until you deconstruct it. You could deconstruct it by yourself, but it would take a long long time, and I don't want you to have any more dumpster fire relationships while you slowly un-learn this on your own. Please get some help. I can help with this, and it's my specialty, but if you don't get help from me, please get help from someone.
Nature’s first green is gold/Her hardest hue to hold —Robert Frost
Self-esteem/self-worthQueer Exvangelical Low Self-Esteem:
Sometimes you know that your self-esteem is low, but really, what should it be based on? When you read about "self-love" and "self-care", those things just kind of seem like empty pop-psych bullshit. When you try to love yourself more, it feels like you're trying to "love" an empty space. A blank spot. You've tried, but it's confusing. How do you cultivate love for a hole in your heart?
A pink dragonfly near Mt. St Helens in Southwestern Washington
Perfectionism hurtsQueer Exvangelical Perfectionism:
If I tell you that you're a perfectionist, you might not believe me, because you think you're too flawed to be a perfectionist. You're so used to working too hard (at work, with family, in relationships, with friends) that resting isn't even enjoyable, because you feel like a worthless slacker. And what's the point of anything if you're not making the world a better place? I mean, sure, relax and watch a movie from time to time. But really backing off on overworking? It feels like all hell will break loose if you stop holding everything and everyone together.
Lake scene in Northwestern Washington
You give too much of yourselfQueer Exvangelical People-Pleasing:
Too often, you treat other people better than they treat you. Sometimes you know that you're people-pleasing, but other times you're just confused: why don't other people step up? Why don't they give back? It's not that hard! Wouldn't we all be happier if everyone cared as much as you do? Dear one, please let me help you with this, because I have learned (the hard way) that this is not going to stop happening. This is how the world works. If you keep giving too much, you're going to get resentful. If they're not already being as good to you as you are to them, they're probably not going to change. Let me help you figure out when to give and when not to. Your current "give and give and give, because I'm sure they'll do better someday" is not sustainable, and it's not good for you.
Fall leaves and a deer-crossing sign near Portland, Oregon
You've grown and changedYou’ve already tried Therapy, and Books, and Videos, and more…
If you already have a therapist, that's great, keep going! If that therapist is not queer/trans-friendly enough, or doesn't know enough about your religious background, I can try to help you find someone who is a better fit! But in the meantime, I can help you get results faster. I have helped hundreds of people with this. Spend 8 weeks talking with me, deconstructing these hurtful relationship habits (low self-esteem, perfectionism, and people-pleasing) from the comfort of your own home, on Zoom, from anywhere in the world. Believe it or not, we'll have fun! Start with a free 30-minute Zoom consultation. We can talk about how I work, you can get to know me, and see if we're a good fit to work together.
I'm funny, irreverent, and very easy to talk to. I cuss quite a bit in sessions. You can show up organized, or really really messy, I don't care. We'll laugh and cry and talk together. I'll tell you the ups and downs of my own long life and relationships (I've had dumpster fires too, believe me), and I'll use my decades of experience to help you figure out what YOU want to change in your self and your relationships.
White trillium flower near Portland, Oregon
You may not believe me yet, but this is actually going to be fun (mostly)
Well, fun and sometimes hard, but always worth it.This is how we do it...How we’ll fix your self-esteem:
We'll do fun "homework" and in-session exercises to figure out what your strengths and weaknesses are, so that you can base your self-esteem on reality. Not old Evangelical "Lord, I'm a worthless sinner" bullshit, not "I'm just here to serve", but also not modern pop-psych "You just have to love yourself [i.e. that empty hole where your self-esteem should be]". Those approaches don't work for religious trauma survivors. Let's figure out more about who you really are, so that you know who the "you" is that you're learning to love. Your self-esteem will be stronger and more reliable after we're done, because it will be based on your actual self and your actual strengths.
This hooligan is named Starbuck. Her self-esteem is perfect, thank you very much.
This is how we do it...How We’ll Heal Your Perfectionism (mostly):
Honestly, I'm not going to promise that you'll never be a perfectionist again. That would be a very empty promise. But I'll tell you this much: even relaxing a little bit is so lovely. This is something that we'll build and practice together, so that you can get better at it through your whole life. So you can let other people step up. So you can be met halfway in relationships. So you can not overwork all the time. So you can relax and listen to music and smell the trees, instead of trying to fix every-fucking-thing. So you'll know when exhausting yourself in exchange for breadcrumbs isn't worth it.
Banff, Alberta, from my solo road trip through the Canadian Rockies.
This is how we do it...How we’ll end your people-pleasing:
You won't be 100% done at the end of 8 weeks with me, but you'll be much closer to done with people-pleasing, because you'll understand it. Our modern culture may seem secular, but it mostly evolved out of authoritarian, misogynist religions like Puritanism and Catholicism. That's why our secular misogynist society still punishes everyone except cis-men when we're not pleasing enough. This one needs extra deconstruction, because it's woven into the fabric of our society. You thought you escaped it when you left the church, but it's still being reinforced all around you in secular society. Let me help you know when and how to push back. When you see it more clearly, you'll be able to stop playing into it.
Blue sky with wispy clouds near Portland, Oregon
Mary Clark, Queer Religious Trauma Coach,
Professional Queerdo
Who am I?Mary Clark (she/they)
I’m a queer, gender-non-conforming, neurodivergent, fat ex-Evangelical weirdo. I left the church when I was 18 (about 40 years ago) and I’m still recovering. I live in Portland, Oregon, but my clients are all over the world.
I’ve helped hundreds of people along the journey of advanced religious deconstruction and trauma healing. I work with mostly queer/trans religious trauma survivors, but allies are welcome too!
I think my greatest strengths are that I listen really carefully, ask just the right questions, and then help you get perspective. I grew up in a sexist, authoritarian, homophobic family that loved James Dobson’s “Focus on the Family” and “Dare to Discipline”. I’ve got the emotional scars to prove it. I understand what it’s like to grow up in church on Sunday morning, Sunday night, choir practice on Wednesdays, and youth group and Bible study and Church camp and Vacation Bible School… and I know what a hole it leaves in your life when you have to leave it all behind.
I was that kid who behaved perfectly but also questioned everything. It drove my parents nuts, and they tried even harder to control me, but it’s hard to control a child whose worst offense is asking you why your version of Christianity is so racist and sexist and why I’m not allowed to study science.
I’m irreverent, funny, and I often cuss during coaching sessions. I’m also approachable and easy to talk to, and I can’t wait to meet you.
Want to get started?How to work with me:
Make an appointment for a free 30-minute Zoom consultation. You can ask me questions, and get a feel for how I work. I'll explain how my work is different from therapy. There will not be a sales pitch. I don't do sales pitches. After our free Zoom, I'll send you a link that lets you sign up for my 8-week coaching plan. If you choose to sign up, you'll pay $260 when you sign up, and another $260 four weeks later ($520 total). You can use a credit/debit card or PayPal. We'll meet once a week, for 75 minutes each time. You'll have optional homework in between sessions, and you can email me any time for questions or extra support.
If weekly sessions is too frequent, let me know. We may be able to spread them out over time. Also, I sometimes have sliding-scale appointments available at reduced cost if you're low-income. Ask me for details.
I'll send you a free workbook full of exercises that you'll complete in between sessions. All of this is optional, and you're never "in trouble" if you don't do your "homework". You're in charge. Let me know how I can help you get the most out of this, but without pressure.
Big changes in a short time...After your 8-week coaching:
After your 8-week coaching program is over, you and I will know each other really well, and you'll have a comfortable, established, fun relationship with me. So if you want support with this or anything else in the future, we can just schedule some more sessions at any time (currently $75 per 75-minute session, or cheaper if we create a new multi-session package).
After 8 weeks, you'll be so much less susceptible to love-bombing, bread-crumbing, and gaslighting. You'll know who you are and what you're worth. You'll be so much better at saying "Bye!" to anyone who doesn't treat you well, whether it's in love or dating or at work. You won’t take on guilt that doesn’t belong to you.
You're welcome to contact me here with more questions, but really, the best thing is to just go ahead and schedule that free Zoom call to see if we're a fit. I promise you, I'm a funny, kind, wonderful queerdo. I'm easy to talk to. I'm queer, gender non-conforming, neurodivergent, non-monogamy-affirming, and my clients are every conceivable form of LGBTQ2SIA+++! I don't usually toot my own horn, but I'm really fucking good at this! Let's Zoom, so you can see if you want my help! --Mary
Me at age 18 in San Francisco, right after I left home
What my clients are saying:
“Mary is understanding and empathetic to what a queer person growing up under an abusive religious doctrine has experienced, because she has lived it.”
“I struggled with the the abusive church I was raised in and bought into for so many years, and all of the aftermath of that, so I was nervous to dive into so many personal things with someone new. Through listening, sharing and advising she helps navigate through the messy process. Because of our work together, I’ve been able to make better decisions with work - installing and keeping boundaries and not overworking myself (as much). Slowly I’m developing more boundaries with my family as well.” — Melissa W.
“Talking to you is very easy and you always seem to understand the jumble that comes out of my mind so I don't feel like I have to slow down.”
“I still deal with depression but its much better managed and I don't feel as if I'm doing something wrong for having more normal thoughts and situations that most people go through. You've also helped me realize I'm not a failure (or its various synonyms) for feeling the way I do.” — Stevan T.
"For those struggling with religious trauma, Mary is incredible and one-of-a-kind.”
“I will always be grateful for the way she has helped me to process some of the most difficult parts of my life, while also finding the courage to grieve, grow, and move forward into a better and more healed future. I would recommend her to anyone looking for a safe place to land, well-researched and thoughtful perspectives on religious trauma, or for those just wanting to feel a little less alone.” — M.B.
“I jumped out of the frying pan of fundamentalist Christianity, into the fire of Mormonism, left them both, and found myself pursuing social justice work as if it was a new religion. I had been unhappy for so long, and I had a string of unhappy relationships behind me.
I had come out as queer, and then as genderqueer, and then as a relationship anarchist, but it still felt like my old religious programming was hounding me. Thank you for helping me un-pack it all. It’s been hard work, but so worth it. I take care of myself now. I rest. I only keep relationships that are healthy and mutual. It’s amazing how much better life is when I know what I want and am actually willing to work toward my own joy, lol. Who’d have thought?” — Max: Boulder, Colorado, USA
“Mary is the absolute best and I can’t say enough about how much she has helped me. She deeply cares about people and she offers support, wisdom, and useful insight. She gives people concrete tools to work with too. Even during the depths of this pandemic, she manages to impart a sense of peace, calm, and hope. Mary clearly has a heartfelt passion for helping others. A bit about me: I am a tough nut to crack. And I have a graduate degree in clinical social work. It takes a lot for me to recommend anyone as a coach or therapist, but I recommend Mary without reservation.”
— Laura: Portland, Oregon USA
“You have helped me so much in my relationship to myself and to other people. You gave me the confidence to dig deep, and to know what is authentic for me. I’m a better parent, a better partner to all my partners… as a former Catholic, I now hold my boundaries better and I know more about who I am. I did this work myself, and I’m so proud, but you helped me do it so much better.”
—Irma: Rio de Janeiro, Brazil