Looking for a Relationship Anarchy therapist or coach? Here’s what you want to know:
If you’re a Relationship Anarchist (or at least feel some affinity for RA), and if you’re looking specifically for a Relationship Anarchy therapist or coach, you may have noticed: There aren’t many Relationship Anarchists in the world, therefore it’s hard to find doctors and therapists and coaches and teachers who understand us. Since the field is small, let’s talk about some of the details, so that you can pick someone who’s right for you.
First of all, no one in the world can become a certified or licensed Relationship Anarchist. That just doesn’t exist (it wouldn’t be very anarchical). There are some polyamory-friendly professionals out there who aren’t necessarily Relationship Anarchists, and of course there are plenty of monogamy-minded professionals everywhere. How do you choose? Your choice should probably begin with knowing whether you want a licensed therapist or a coach, so first let’s talk about the differences between the two:
Licensing and Location: In the United States, mental health professionals are licensed by state. So if you’re in Oregon and you want to see a licensed therapist, you’ll have to pick a therapist who is licensed in Oregon (and probably find one who takes your health insurance). Even via zoom or telehealth, most licensed professionals can only see you if they’re licensed in the state where you are right now.
A coach, on the other hand, can work with people all over the world. If you’re in Portland, Oregon (like me) and you have one partner in California and one in Nairobi, a coach can work with all three of you, where a licensed therapist usually cannot. This also means that coaches can work with you continuously, even if you travel or relocate.
Specialties: If you need diagnosis or treatment for any specific conditions like ADHD, dementia, Bipolar disorder, or Schizophrenia, you definitely need a licensed professional. Coaches are not licensed to diagnose or treat any medical condition.
Medication: If you need medication prescribed, then you need a medical doctor (at least in the United States… all countries handle these things differently). Your own Family Medicine doctor, Internist, or other M.D. may be willing and able to prescribe antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications, but they may want you to see a Psychiatrist (a Medical Doctor who specializes in mental health) for specialized medications like psychotropics and ADHD meds. Coaches are not licensed to prescribe any medication.
Trauma therapy: If you are looking to go really deep and do trauma therapy, you need a really good, licensed therapist, who specializes in treating trauma. I can tell you from experience: get someone really good. Hold out for a good fit. If the first few aren’t a good fit, keep trying.
On the other hand, every human being has some traumatic experiences in our past, and the right coach with the right education (like me) may be highly “trauma-informed”. If your coach has enough training, you can talk with them about some of your past traumas, talk about how they affect your life now, what’s resolved, and what’s not. I still strongly recommend a licensed trauma therapist when it’s time to really “go there”, but a coach should be able to help you with everything except the deepest and most difficult stuff.
Education and Training: Licensed therapists in the U.S. have to earn both undergraduate and graduate degrees, and then complete many hours of supervised training before earning their license. After that, they are required to earn a certain number of Continuing Education (CE) credits per year, and this varies depending on their licensure.
Coaching, on the other hand, is an unregulated profession, meaning that anyone can call themselves a coach. So if you’re thinking about hiring a coach, you might want to ask them about their background and education. These days, many of the same Continuing Education (CE) courses that are offered to licensed therapists are also offered to unlicensed people. This is a good thing, and allows people like midwives, yoga instructors, community organizers, first responders, and coaches to get some of the same mental health training that used to only be offered to licensed therapists. As an example, I recently completed a 3-month, 60-hour Integrative Somatic Trauma Therapy Certificate program, taking classes directly from renowned mental health experts like Deb Dana LCSW, Pat Ogden PhD, and Richard Schwartz PhD. I also have extensive education in Intergenerational Trauma, communication skills, parenting skills, relationship skills, Internal Family Systems, Somatic therapy skills, and more. I have decades of education and experience, but am not licensed. I can’t diagnose anything, treat any medical condition, perform trauma therapy, or prescribe medication.
Relationship Anarchist Perspective: As I’ve already said, there is no “Relationship Anarchy” training available. You can’t major in it or earn a degree in it. But an RA perspective can be important, and can affect how someone talks with you about your life.
The vast majority of therapists and coaches will have a monogamous, amatonormative, heteronormative, heteropatriarchal approach. In traditional “marriage counseling”, many professionals see themselves as advocates for the relationship itself, rather than for any of the people involved. The goal is longevity. They want to make the relationship healthier, yes, but it’s mostly about “making it last” or “finding a way to stay together”. If you’ve ever seen a couple who gets applauded simply for having been married for 65 years, then you’ve seen this mindset in action. People seldom ask them “Were you happy?” Mainstream society just congratulates them for staying together.
A Relationship Anarchist therapist or coach should be able to think much more broadly. I always tell my clients that I’m there to help each person to first of all have the best possible relationship with themselves, and that I never prioritize any relationship over the health of the people in that relationship. People grow and change. Does that mean that we can’t have commitments? Of course we can have commitments. But we’re committed first to joy and health, not to rules or structures or even longevity.
Some of the most common complaints I hear from clients who have seen non-RA professionals in the past (and often these are problems even with polyamory-minded professionals who are not Relationship Anarchists) are:
A tendency to label someone as “avoidant” if they don’t want to fall in love, have sex, move in together, have kids, and all of the other things that we in RA sometimes refer to as the “Relationship Escalator”. It is all too common, even in polyamory, to label as “avoidant” people who are simply very non-traditional, neurodivergent, asexual, aromantic, and/or autonomous.
A tendency to favor hierarchy. A focus on “opening up the marriage” rather than seeing everyone involved as autonomous adults who can make their own decisions. To me seeing “the marriage” as an entity is a little bit like the USA treating corporations as people. I’m not a fan.
A tendency to see polyamory as just kind of “marriage plus more” or “open marriage” or “multiple marriage” or “marriage plus lovers” or some other monogamy-centric system. Even viewing groups of people as “throuples” or “triads” or “quads”, while not always problematic, can be an indication that the therapist is focused on structures that many Relationship Anarchists (like me) just don’t rely on or believe in.
A tendency to assign a higher value to relationships that include romance and sex. A tendency to use phrases like “more than friends” or “just friends”. A tendency to believe that you’re not “in a relationship” if you’re not romantically or sexually involved.
An assumption either that people are entitled to have their sexual or any other kind of “needs met” if they’re “in a relationship”. Saying things like “we need to be sure that you’re both getting your needs met sexually”. We can all have needs, and we can all ask for what we want, and we can choose to spend more time with people that we’re more compatible with and happy with, all of this is great. But a Relationship Anarchist mindset generally doesn’t conflate “in a relationship” exclusively with sex or romance or any other kind of supposed “need”.
Inability to understand platonic partnerships, living with your “exes” in a healthy way, living and co-parenting with people that you don’t have sex with, non-traditional/nonhierarchical parenting and caregiving. Being potentially much more committed to the people you don’t have sex with than the ones you do. Not wanting to have sex with anyone. Wanting to have lots of casual sex just for fun.
Inability to question the patriarchy. Inability to understand what a crock of shit gender can be. Inability to use they/them pronouns. Inability to understand neurodiversity. Inability to question colonialism, fascism, capitalism, tradition, monogamy, heteronormativity… inability to question a lot of things.
And while we’re questioning things, we also need a healthy understanding of why hierarchy is problematic, but also what is and isn’t “hierarchy”. You don’t have to divide up your time equally among all of the people who want it. You certainly never have to avoid “prioritizing” your children and other loved ones in order to avoid the appearance of hierarchy. This is nuanced, and a lot of people don’t understand it. I won’t go into all of the details here. Just know that this is something where it’s really good to work with professionals who have a good understanding of the difference between a) unhealthy hierarchical baloney and b) healthy prioritization of our loved ones and our most vulnerable folks.
Does that help? I know this is a lot to think about. If you’re looking for someone who is both a Relationship Anarchist and a therapist or coach, it can be difficult to find someone who is both. I happen to be Relationship Anarchist Coach. Check me out here on my Coaching page, if you’re interested and also feel free to ask me questions here. I do all my work on Zoom, and I work with people all over the world. On the other hand, there are also some lists out there that might help you find other qualified professionals:
The Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory is not Relationship Anarchy-specific, but if you look closely, you can find some RA folks in there.
There are a few directories out there for sex-positive and kink-aware professionals, and some of these may be helpful. Portland Therapy Center maintains a directory for the Portland, Oregon area. There are others, although I have not checked them out thoroughly enough to recommend one.
If you have Oregon Health Plan (OHP), and want the help of a licensed therapist, I keep a whole list of those here for you to check out. Note that this is a broad list of therapists who take OHP, so check out their descriptions carefully: many are queer (but not all), and only one or two are Relationship Anarchists.
I’m wishing you well on your journey! — Mary Clark
“I jumped out of the frying pan of fundamentalist Christianity, into the fire of Mormonism, left them both, and found myself pursuing social justice work as if it was a new religion. I had been unhappy for so long, and I had a string of unhappy relationships behind me.
I had come out as queer, and then as genderqueer, and then as a relationship anarchist, but it still felt like my old religious programming was hounding me. Thank you for helping me un-pack it all. It’s been hard work, but so worth it. I take care of myself now. I rest. I only keep relationships that are healthy and mutual. It’s amazing how much better life is when I know what I want and am actually willing to work toward my own joy, lol. Who’d have thought?” — Max: Boulder, Colorado, USA