One-on-One Coaching on Zoom“Should I Go No-Contact?”
For Queer/Trans Ex-Evangelicals
and other Religious Trauma survivors
Learn how to navigate your confusing, dysfunctional, homophobic/transphobic family (they probably mean well, but oof!)
You’re not alone in this.Thinking about going No-Contact with family?
Nobody makes this decision quickly or easily.
Family is complicated. Even the worst families are not completely, 100% horrible. It’s always a mix of good and bad, joy and pain, things we want to keep and stuff we never want to have to go through again.
Fern and forest near Portland, Oregon
It’s so confusingAnd we question ourselves…
Am I being too sensitive?
They didn’t disown me, and they’ve made progress. Is it enough?
Why can’t I just enjoy the good stuff and ignore the bad stuff?
They’re all fine with this, so why can’t I be fine with it?
They just want me to not go to hell… they mostly mean well…
We keep trying to fix the whole thing from our side. “How can I change myself, or think about this differently, so that I can be okay staying in contact with my family?”
A single purple iris near my home in Portland, Oregon
You deserve to feel safe and loved and accepted by your family.
Also, you’re not overreacting. Nobody goes “no-contact” unless they’re deeply hurting, and have been in a lot of pain for a long time.
That said, I will NEVER rush you or pressure you. Most of my clients decide NOT to go no-contact. It’s your decision.
Dysfunctional religious familiesAbuse and Dysfunction
Does the whole family walk on eggshells to keep one person happy?
Were/are you afraid to come out to them, because you’re afraid the whole family will explode or fall apart?
Did their love always feel kind of conditional? Like if you messed up too badly, you’d no longer be one of them?
Are they still trying to win you back to their religion?
Are they still hoping you’re not actually queer/trans?
Is there a history of any kind of abuse in your family?
Sunset near Portland, Oregon
Believe me…You are not overreacting:
I’ve yet to have a sessions with someone who was overreacting. If anything, most of us are underreacting.
It hurts when they won’t use our name and pronouns.
It hurts if they won’t come to our wedding.
It hurts when they vote to harm our community.
It hurts when they “forget” that we’re queer/trans.
It hurts when they try to win us back to their religion.
It hurts when they don’t want to hear about our queer/trans lives.
It hurts to think that we can only really be loved if we go back to being the person they wanted us to be.
Hiking trail in Washington state
In normal, healthy, functional families, all family members are loved, accepted, and valued.
In normal, healthy, functional families, no one is ignored or segregated. Nobody’s identity is questioned or invalidated. Everyone is respected. Everyone is valid.
Maybe your friends have already told you, “Of COURSE your family is not okay! They’re awful!”
You’re only questioning this because you grew up with all of this dysfunction. In some ways, it feels normal to you.
So yes, if you’re seriously considering going no-contact, they’re probably awful. Does this mean that you have to go no-contact with your family? No. I’d love to help you get clarity, so that you can make a decision that you feel sure of, and without guilt.
Let's talk on Zoom! I'm goofy and fun and easy to talk to.You’re gonna feel so much better after just 8 weeks!
So much confusion, so much “OOF!”For some of us, the whiplash is real
They love you so much, AND they don’t approve.
Maybe you came out to them, and they didn’t disown you. They tell you that they love you unconditionally. This is great!
They’re hurt that you didn’t tell them sooner. But also, they need to let you know that they don’t agree with “your lifestyle”. They love you unconditionally. But also, you’re making Jesus cry. You occasionally see signs that they’re still hoping that this is just a phase. There’s a death in the family, and you’re deadnamed in the obituary.
You think this shouldn’t bother you, but WTF??? Why wouldn’t it bother you? Of course it bothers you!
Fall leaves and deer crossing near Portland, Oregon
Hard to understand if you haven’t been thereThe pain and grief…
There’s a special kind of mind-fuck that comes from growing up in “loving” families that are extremely dysfunctional. They need to control us, and if we’re no longer living under their religion, then they can’t really relate to us anymore.
The disconnect is so painful. Outsiders are usually baffled by it (your mom said what???), but those of us who’ve lived it know exactly what you’re talking about. This is why, I love talking about this painful stuff. Because I understand your bizarre religious background, and your nutty family dynamics.
Hiking trail in Washington state
You are such an amazing person, and you deserve to be loved wholeheartedly, exactly as you are.
In a way, how people love you is your responsibility: Every minute you spend people-pleasing and caretaking people who don’t treat you well, is a minute where you can’t find and enjoy the wholehearted, mutual, kind, compassionate love and empathy that you deserve. I say this because I’ve been there.
It's still affecting youThe Evangelical Church taught you:
The Evangelical (or other high-demand church, the Mormons/LDS, Fundamentalists, etc.) church taught you low self-esteem, perfectionism, and people-pleasing. This is the "internal dogma" that is still inside you. It's fucking up your life and your relationships, and it causes you to put up with way too much in your relationships. This includes putting up with too much from your dysfunctional family.
It's going to keep fucking things up until you deconstruct it. You can deconstruct it by yourself, but it may take a long long time. I can help with this, and it's my specialty, but if you don't get help from me, please get help from someone.
Nature’s first green is gold/Her hardest hue to hold —Robert Frost
You've grown and changedYou’ve already tried Therapy, and Books, and Videos, and more…
If you already have a therapist, that's great, keep going! If that therapist is not queer/trans-friendly enough, or doesn't know enough about your religious background, I can try to help you find someone who is a better fit! But in the meantime, I can help you get results faster. I have so many people answer these questions. Spend 8 weeks talking with me, analyzing your dysfunctional family dynamics from the comfort of your own home. Believe it or not, we'll have fun! Start with a free 30-minute Zoom consultation. We can talk about how I work, you can get to know me, and see if we're a good fit to work together.
I'm funny, irreverent, and very easy to talk to. I cuss quite a bit in sessions. You can show up organized, or really really messy, I don't care. We'll laugh and cry and talk together. I'll tell you the ups and downs of my own long life and my family relationships (I've got some wild stories, believe me), and I'll use my decades of experience to help you figure out what YOU want to change in your family relationships.
White trillium flower near Portland, Oregon
You may not believe me yet, but this is actually going to be fun (mostly)
Well, fun and sometimes hard, but always worth it.
Mary Clark, Queer Religious Trauma Coach,
Professional Queerdo
Who am I?Mary Clark (she/they)
I’m a queer, gender-non-conforming, neurodivergent, fat ex-Evangelical weirdo. I left the church when I was 18 (about 40 years ago) and I’m still recovering. I live in Portland, Oregon, but my clients are all over the world.
I’ve helped hundreds of people along the journey of advanced religious deconstruction and trauma healing. I work with mostly queer/trans religious trauma survivors, but allies are welcome too!
I think my greatest strengths are that I listen really carefully, ask just the right questions, and then help you get perspective. I grew up in a sexist, authoritarian, homophobic family that loved James Dobson’s “Focus on the Family” and “Dare to Discipline”. I’ve got the emotional scars to prove it. I understand what it’s like to grow up in church on Sunday morning, Sunday night, choir practice on Wednesdays, and youth group and Bible study and Church camp and Vacation Bible School… and I know what a hole it leaves in your life when you have to leave it all behind.
I was that kid who behaved perfectly but also questioned everything. It drove my parents nuts, and they tried even harder to control me, but it’s hard to control a child whose worst offense is asking you why your version of Christianity is so racist and sexist and why I’m not allowed to study science.
I’m irreverent, funny, and I often cuss during coaching sessions. I’m also approachable and easy to talk to, and I can’t wait to meet you.
I OFTEN HAVE SLIDING-SCALE AVAILABLE FOR BOTH SINGLE APPOINTMENTS AND PACKAGES… JUST ASK!
Want to get started?How to work with me:
Make an appointment for a free 30-minute Zoom consultation. You can ask me questions, and get a feel for how I work. I'll explain how my work is different from therapy. There will not be a sales pitch. I don't do sales pitches. After our free Zoom, think about it, and decide whether or not you want to sign up for coaching. If so, email me, and I'll send you a link that lets you sign up for my 8-week coaching plan. If you choose to sign up, you'll pay $245 when you sign up, and another $245 four weeks later ($490 total). You can use a credit/debit card or PayPal. We'll meet once a week, for 75 minutes each time. You'll have optional homework in between sessions, and you can email me any time for questions or extra support.
If weekly sessions are too frequent, let me know. We may be able to spread them out over time. Also, I sometimes have sliding-scale appointments available at reduced cost if you're low-income. Ask me for details.
I'll send you a free workbook full of exercises that you'll complete in between sessions. All of this is optional, and you're never "in trouble" if you don't do your "homework". You're in charge. Let me know how I can help you get the most out of this, but without pressure.
Big changes in a short time...After your 8-week coaching package:
After 8 sessions, you’ll have stronger boundaries, and you’ll know how you want to move forward (or not) with your family. You’ll know WHY you’re doing whatever you decide to do. You’ll be so much calmer about it, and you’ll know why you should stop taking the blame for your family’s unhappiness.
Also, you and I will know each other really well, and you'll have a comfortable, established, fun relationship with me. So if you want more support with this or anything else in the future (no pressure), we can schedule more sessions at any time (currently $75 per 75-minute session, or cheaper if we create a new multi-session package).
You're welcome to contact me here with more questions, but really, the best thing is to just go ahead and schedule that free Zoom call to see if we're a fit. I promise you, I'm a funny, kind, wonderful queerdo. I'm easy to talk to. I'm queer, gender non-conforming, neurodivergent, non-monogamy-affirming, and my clients are every conceivable form of LGBTQ2SIA+++! I don't usually toot my own horn, but I'm really fucking good at this! Let's Zoom, so you can see if you want my help! --Mary
Me at age 18 in San Francisco, right after I left home
I OFTEN HAVE SLIDING-SCALE AVAILABLE FOR BOTH SINGLE APPOINTMENTS AND PACKAGES… JUST ASK!
What my clients are saying:
“Mary is understanding and empathetic to what a queer person growing up under an abusive religious doctrine has experienced, because she has lived it.”
“I struggled with the the abusive church I was raised in and bought into for so many years, and all of the aftermath of that, so I was nervous to dive into so many personal things with someone new. Through listening, sharing and advising she helps navigate through the messy process. Because of our work together, I’ve been able to make better decisions with work - installing and keeping boundaries and not overworking myself (as much). Slowly I’m developing more boundaries with my family as well.” — Melissa W.
“Talking to you is very easy and you always seem to understand the jumble that comes out of my mind so I don't feel like I have to slow down.”
“I still deal with depression but its much better managed and I don't feel as if I'm doing something wrong for having more normal thoughts and situations that most people go through. You've also helped me realize I'm not a failure (or its various synonyms) for feeling the way I do.” — Stevan T.
"For those struggling with religious trauma, Mary is incredible and one-of-a-kind.”
“I will always be grateful for the way she has helped me to process some of the most difficult parts of my life, while also finding the courage to grieve, grow, and move forward into a better and more healed future. I would recommend her to anyone looking for a safe place to land, well-researched and thoughtful perspectives on religious trauma, or for those just wanting to feel a little less alone.” — M.B.
“I jumped out of the frying pan of fundamentalist Christianity, into the fire of Mormonism, left them both, and found myself pursuing social justice work as if it was a new religion. I had been unhappy for so long, and I had a string of unhappy relationships behind me.
I had come out as queer, and then as genderqueer, and then as a relationship anarchist, but it still felt like my old religious programming was hounding me. Thank you for helping me un-pack it all. It’s been hard work, but so worth it. I take care of myself now. I rest. I only keep relationships that are healthy and mutual. It’s amazing how much better life is when I know what I want and am actually willing to work toward my own joy, lol. Who’d have thought?” — Max: Boulder, Colorado, USA
“Mary is the absolute best and I can’t say enough about how much she has helped me. She deeply cares about people and she offers support, wisdom, and useful insight. She gives people concrete tools to work with too. Even during the depths of this pandemic, she manages to impart a sense of peace, calm, and hope. Mary clearly has a heartfelt passion for helping others. A bit about me: I am a tough nut to crack. And I have a graduate degree in clinical social work. It takes a lot for me to recommend anyone as a coach or therapist, but I recommend Mary without reservation.”
— Laura: Portland, Oregon USA
“You have helped me so much in my relationship to myself and to other people. You gave me the confidence to dig deep, and to know what is authentic for me. I’m a better parent, a better partner to all my partners… as a former Catholic, I now hold my boundaries better and I know more about who I am. I did this work myself, and I’m so proud, but you helped me do it so much better.”
—Irma: Rio de Janeiro, Brazil