The Trouble with Hierarchy
Many of my clients come to me because they’re trying to navigate hierarchy. Sometimes it’s a very obvious, up-front hierarchy, and everyone is on board with it, but that’s rare. More often, a person is dating someone who promised that they don’t do hierarchical relationships, but over time, hierarchical behavior leaves someone feeling left out, unfulfilled, and even misled.
So what’s wrong with hierarchy? Usually, a lot of things.
For one thing, if you commit to hierarchy long-term, then you’re committing to a structure that you intend to maintain whether you still want to or not. It’s almost always unrealistic, because real people have real feelings that change over time. Our future feelings can’t be predicted.
As time goes by, we may start to want to spend more time with a “secondary” person, and less with the person we called “primary”. Maybe we want to live with someone new, or we want to move out and live alone. Maybe we meet someone new, and we already have a “primary” and some “secondaries”, so we think we can’t pursue this new connection, because it doesn’t fit with a structure that we agreed to long ago. Hierarchical polyamory, like an expanded version of monogamy, says, “I will live my future life in service to the structure that I’m agreeing to now.”
A common and more insidious problem is when we meet someone new, and they are already in relationship(s), and they say that they don’t believe in hierarchy or in couple’s privilege, but really they do. Very often, a person who tells you that they don’t do hierarchy isn’t intentionally lying to you: it’s more like they’re lying to themselves. They want to pursue something new with you, while keeping their existing partner(s) happy. Maybe the existing partner(s) also believe that they’re on board, that they don’t want or expect hierarchy, that they don’t want or need special treatment.
But feelings can get messy, and unless everyone is honestly acting independently, and honestly willing to change and adapt to each other’s autonomous choices, it can all break down.
If you’re dating someone new, how can you keep from inadvertently falling for someone who dates hierarchically but can’t admit it? Honestly, this is not always avoidable. My advice is to wade in slowly and carefully, and really trust your gut. Look for signs that this person isn’t living from a completely authentic, free, autonomous place. Do they cancel plans because another partner is uncomfortable? Do they hold off on being sexual with you, because someone else wants them to slow down? Do they blame one of their other partners, even nicely, for limiting the choices they’re making in regard to you?
I’ll be honest with you: I’ve coached people through this many, many times, and it seldom works out well for everyone involved. If someone starts a new relationship without first being fully autonomous in their relationships for quite a while, then it’s usually going to stay that way unless there’s one or more breakups. Even then, someone who wasn’t fully autonomous in their last relationship may not be ready for full autonomy in their new relationship with you either.
Note that caring for children, caring for adults who need care, and keeping commitments around finances and housing are all completely fine. These are not inherently problematic. Ideally, commitments to adults can be changed in the future if needed, and commitments to children usually change when the children are old enough to live independently.
In addition, it is NOT hierarchical to want to spend more time with some people and less with others. You are not a pie. You don’t have to “divide yourself evenly” in order to say that you’re doing Relationship Anarchy correctly. Live more in the moment, and do what’s authentic for you.
It gets sad and messy, if we’ve developed feelings for someone, and they promised that they don’t do hierarchy, but the hierarchy keeps surfacing. If you see this early on, I advise you to distance yourself sooner rather than later. There are people out there who will match you more easily. No matter how great this person is, you don’t have to settle for scraps. The time that you are spending on this incompatible person is time that you could instead invest in yourself, or in finding someone who truly doesn’t do hierarchy.
Trust your gut.
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No advice is perfect for every situation. Want help figuring out your own life and relationships? I offer relationship coaching from a gentle, never dogmatic, trauma-informed, Relationship Anarchist perspective. I do all of my sessions through Zoom or by phone. If you’re interested, click on over to my Coaching page to see if we’re a good fit.
