“If I break up, she’ll make my life miserable.”
Occasionally, clients tell me that they’re afraid to break up with one of their partners:
“I’m afraid that, if I break up with her, she will talk trash about me to all of our friends.”
“He says he won’t let me leave. He says he loves me too much to ever let me go.”
“I don’t think they’d be violent, but they will definitely find a way to make my life hard. I feel like I’m better off just staying.”
Here’s the thing: I don’t want you to be in relationships with people that you think might hurt you if you leave. I know it can be confusing sometimes, but if your gut is telling you that this person might talk trash about you, might stalk you, might make it hard for you to do what’s best for you, then you need to look long and hard at why you’re continuing this relationship. What are you getting out of it?
In almost all cases, if you are afraid that they will make your life harder if you break up with them, even if it’s just by talking shit to your friends and family, then definitely break up with them, if it’s physically safe for you to do so. If it’s not physically safe, then get domestic violence help. People who love us do NOT threaten us, even when we want to leave them. LOVE AND THREATS DO NOT GO TOGETHER.
I was in a relationship once where I was afraid to end it for exactly this reason. We had mutual friends, and I was afraid of what she would tell them. In hindsight, that relationship was abusive. She was controlling, verbally abusive, and didn’t respect my boundaries. I quickly got out, but that “what if she says bad things about me” did cause me to wait several extra weeks. Instead of causing me to pause, and it should have been one of the clearest signs that told me to get the hell out.
Of course, if there are children involved, this is MUCH more complicated. It can also be complicated if you live together and/or you share finances. In all of these cases, you’ll have to make careful plans to keep yourself safe and provided for. Ask for help. But know this: I want to see you keep the relationships where you know you are safe, and end or distance yourself from the ones that aren’t fully safe.
Think about it: If you don’t feel safe now, how will you feel years down the road when you’re even more intertwined?
Please take good care of yourself!
—Mary
——
No advice is perfect for every situation. Want help figuring out your own life and relationships? I offer relationship coaching from a gentle, never dogmatic, trauma-informed, Relationship Anarchist perspective. I do all of my sessions through Zoom or by phone. If you’re interested, click on over to my Coaching page to see if we’re a good fit.
