Relationship Anarchy: build a healthy “web” of relationships

Because I practice Relationship Anarchy, my relationships don’t look traditional. I don’t have one partner or spouse. I’m not monogamous. On the other hand, I don’t call myself “polyamorous” (it’s perfectly fine if you do), because the common definitions don’t really fit me (more on that another time). Instead, I tend to picture my relationships as a lovely “web” of relationships that I’m always building and maintaining, a little bit like how a spider builds a web.

In the autumn here in Oregon, we often see huge, beautiful “orb weaver” spiders. They’re harmless to humans, and I love it when an orb weaver builds a web across one of my windows in the fall, because then I can check on it several times a day, and see how it’s doing.

The spider links together lots and lots of beautiful strands of silk. It attaches them to each other, and creates a beautiful web. Sometimes a section of the web will get damaged, and the spider will go back and rebuild it. Once in a while, a storm comes, or something else large and disruptive (human, bird, dog) and ruins the entire web, and rebuilding has to begin again.

I like to picture my relationships like a large, interconnected web of people. I may live alone, or with one or more of my people. I may have sex with zero, or one, or two, or many people, and I may or may not live with any of the people that I have sex with. I may have romantic connections with people that I don’t have sex with, and I may have sexual connections with people that I’m not romantic with. I have loved ones with whom I share books, and vegetables, and rides to work, and money. Most of them know each other in some way or another, but that’s not required. It’s just a big lovely web of connections.

I feel more stable this way. While I know that some monogamous people also have good connections outside of their monogamous sexual relationship, it is also very common for monogamous people to end a relationship entirely if the sex isn’t satisfying, or if they don’t manage money well together, or if one wants children and the other doesn’t. I also know that many polyamorous people also have lots of interconnected relationships, but I still find that many people who identify as polyamorous rank their sexual and romantic relationships above the rest. I don’t do that (and if you do, that’s fine, I’m not judging you).

To me, traditional monogamy feels a bit like a tightrope, with one chosen path expected to bear all of the weight of a couple of lives. I like my “web” better. Lots of strands, lots of paths, lots of connections of different sorts. Sometimes it’s messy. It often confuses people who think monogamously. But it suits me and brings me a lot of joy.

No matter your relationship style, give it some thought: are there areas where you’d like to diversify your connections?

——

No advice is perfect for every situation. Want help figuring out your own life and relationships? I offer relationship coaching from a gentle, never dogmatic, trauma-informed, Relationship Anarchist perspective. I do all of my sessions through Zoom or by phone. If you’re interested, click on over to my Coaching page to see if we’re a good fit.