What Relationship Anarchy means to me, personally

First of all, I don’t believe that Relationship Anarchy (RA) has one universally-accepted definition, nor are there any recognized “experts” in RA. Having “experts”, or dogma, or following one definition, would go against the principles of Relationship Anarchy itself. No hierarchies. No rulers.

Instead, here are the principles that I personally follow, and that I personally associate with Relationship Anarchy. Plenty of Relationship Anarchists will disagree with me about this, and that’s fine.

Here is how RA manifests in my life:

I am committed to Self-exploration and Self-determination: no other person or entity can decide what’s best for me. No person, no relationship, no religion or dogma, no philosophy, no organization or country, not even Relationship Anarchy itself, holds authority over me.

My primary relationship is with myself. My own health, joy, and personal/spiritual growth are my top priorities. No relationship with any person or group or ideology can come before my relationship with my Capital-S Self.

I am not in charge of part of any other adult’s life, especially their body, their feelings/emotions, or their sexuality. Contrast this with monogamy and some forms of polyamory, where controlling and limiting another person is sometimes expected. This is different when we’re raising children. When my child was young, I was in charge of his health and safety in many ways, although I gave him as much autonomy as I safely could.

I question everything: everything in the Universe is constantly changing, and labels are never accurate. I try to stay open to Reality. I call it “getting my sea legs”. Sailors learn to deal with the constant movement of the ship by being flexible in their stance. I try to be flexible in my stance toward life and relationships.

Because of the above, my relationships with other people have no definitions, and no permanent form or structure. They are constantly changing. They do not follow any expected social norms.

My relationships do not dictate to each other: each relationship is separate and autonomous, and is controlled only by me and the one other person in that relationship. This applies to all forms of relationships, regardless of whether or not they involve a sexual or romantic connection.

The freedom and autonomy I insist on for myself should be extended to everyone equally. Therefore I examine my own views, and I work internally and externally to dismantle sexism, racism, ableism, heteronormativity, mononormativity, and all other systemic forms of oppression and injustice.

My favorite document about RA is “The short instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy” by Andie Nordgren, which can be found here.

I am quite certain that I’m missing several things, since I put this together kind of quickly, but those are the basics.

Mary Clark, Portland Oregon USA

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No advice is perfect for every situation. Want help figuring out your own life and relationships? I offer relationship coaching from a gentle, never dogmatic, trauma-informed, Relationship Anarchist perspective. I do all of my sessions through Zoom or by phone. If you’re interested, click on over to my Coaching page to see if we’re a good fit.