“I’m afraid I’ll be alone when I’m fifty…”
People sometimes tell me, “I’m afraid that if I maintain high standards in my relationships, then I’ll be alone when I’m 50”.
Or they say, “I don’t think that I should be trying to change people, and I know that nobody is perfect. But this person’s behavior is painful to me, and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m afraid if I hold to my boundaries, I’ll just be alone when I’m older.”
I’m in my 50s myself, and I notice that people in their 50s and beyond tend to fall into two basic categories (I’m over-simplifying, of course). They either have healthy, stable, loving, kind, long-term relationships of all kinds (sexual and not sexual, monogamous or not, queer or not), or they’re still miserable, in terrible relationships that aren’t working and haven’t been healthy in a long time.
ALL of the folks who are in happy relationships now (including me) have gotten the hell out of at least one (or perhaps many) unhealthy relationships. No, they didn’t run away every time some small thing went wrong, but they took a long-term view, and if a relationship wasn’t healthy overall, they either healed it or they got out. They did this as many times as they needed to, until they were left with only the relationships that were kind and loving and compassionate and healthy and mutually satisfying.
Kind, loving, stable, healthy relationships do exist, and we don’t develop them by staying in (and devoting all our energy to) the unhealthy, not-fixable, not-mutual ones.
The folks I know who are over 50 and who did not learn how to get themselves out of unhappy, unhealthy relationships are still in unhappy, unhealthy relationships. They might be in new unhealthy relationships, or very old unhealthy relationships, or a combination of these, but they’re still fighting (or ignoring) the same old battles. They’re still struggling. They’re still mired in messy interpersonal stuff with people who don’t treat them well or just aren’t a good fit.
This is all even more confusing for folks who are queer and/or nonmonogamous and/or have left an abusive religious background. We’ve already done so much hard work, can’t something be easy for once?
How do you know when to stay and when to go? I can coach you through it, or a good therapist can help, or many interpersonal groups like Codependents Anonymous or Adult Children of Alcoholics can help… there are lots of options.
If you’re in relationships that make you unhappy, it doesn’t mean that the other person is a bad person. But no matter how much you love someone, they might not be a good fit for you. Does the fact that gluten is bad for my body mean that wheat is a “bad” food? No. It’s a perfectly fine food that is unfortunately toxic to me. Relationships are often like that. Not everyone is a fit. It’s important to modify or let go of the ones that aren’t a good fit for you.
I hope you’ll invest in yourself and in your relationships. Being picky about how you’re treated is a good thing. Insist on being treated with love and respect. Uphold your own boundaries. Get help if you need it. Don’t just stay in bad relationships. Unhealthy relationships sap our strength and keep us from fulfilling our purpose, where good relationships build us up and support us.
——
No advice is perfect for every situation. Want help figuring out your own life and relationships? I offer relationship coaching from a gentle, never dogmatic, trauma-informed, Relationship Anarchist perspective. I do all of my sessions through Zoom or by phone. If you’re interested, click on over to my Coaching page to see if we’re a good fit.
