If Relationships were like Restaurants
Okay, hear me out, because this might sound shallow at first, but it’s really not:
What if we viewed relationships a little bit like we view restaurants?
One of my favorite non-monogamous clients told me, “I’m dating these three people, they’re all new, and none of them feels quite right, but I’m afraid to be picky. I’m afraid that if things keep not working out with people, then I’m just never going to have the kind of relationship(s) that I really want.”
Whether monogamous or not, a lot of us view compatible people and good relationships as being scarce and very high-stakes. We feel like, “Well, it didn’t work out with Sage, and it didn’t work out with Willow, so what if it never works out? I’m going to be alone forever!!!” Worse yet, we start to think that it’s our fault, or their fault, rather than just knowing that it wasn’t a match.
And I thought back a couple of decades (‘cause I’m old, lol), to when I moved from San Francisco to Portland, and started trying Portland restaurants. My family had been so spoiled in the Bay Area, with great Vietnamese food, sushi, Burmese noodles, Moroccan food… we had all of our favorites there. In Portland, we kept trying places and finding them mediocre. Nothing compared to the food we’d had in the Bay Area. We were a little worried that we just weren’t going to like it here.
It took time. In fact, it took a few years. But gradually we found the places we really liked in Portland. We found the best Pho. We found great Barbecue. We found Lebanese food so good that I can mention Hoda’s on Belmont, and total strangers will overhear and yell from across the room, “I LOVE HODA’S!!!!” We have restaurants now that we’ve been frequenting for decades, and we’re happy.
Some restaurants along the way were inconsistent. They were great sometimes and mediocre at other times, and we had to decide whether or not to give it one more try. Other restaurants that had been delicious for years changed hands and were suddenly, consistently terrible, and we had to decide when to stop going back.
Many of my Relationship Anarchist coaching clients are looking for very specific things. “I want to date relationship anarchists who are vegan and very spiritual and not ableist jackasses… and I just know that I’ll never find anyone like that.” But there are SO MANY PEOPLE in the world, and even if what you’re looking for is rare, you won’t know that you’re never going to find your person(s) unless you’ve met ALL the people in the world. Which I’m willing to bet you haven’t.
So instead of keeping it light, we meet someone one or two times and feel VERY PRESSURED to know: is this going to be good? Is this person going to break my heart? Am I going to break their heart? Will we be together forever? Am I just investing in something and risking another breakup?
Keep trying. Life is a journey. Keep feeling your way into it, and be very, very real with yourself at all times. Does this feel good? Is it fairly easy? Do this person and I have compatible values???
Have you ever survived a breakup or a de-escalation? Yes? Then I’m not trivializing this, but you can survive it again. Eventually, there are fewer really big painful changes, because you’re better at knowing in advance what works for you and what doesn’t.
And no, people are not expendable. Everyone deserves love and care. They just may not be able to effectively get it from you. If you’re taking up a table in their life, when the two of you aren’t really a fit, it may be better to let go and move on. Maybe try another restaurant. Maybe free up a table for someone else who is going to love it there.
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No advice is perfect for every situation. Want help figuring out your own life and relationships? I offer relationship coaching from a gentle, never dogmatic, trauma-informed, Relationship Anarchist perspective. I do all of my sessions through Zoom or by phone. If you’re interested, click on over to my Coaching page to see if we’re a good fit, or ask me a question on my Contact page.
